I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
