First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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