I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We just shotgunned beers for America
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
