he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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