I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
