oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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