ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
