if i can run in heels then i can drive
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
