Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
