he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
