I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
