remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We have started to decorate penises.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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