I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
