halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
