That's intense
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
