Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
