I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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