I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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