i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
