Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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