It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
