i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
