So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Pants are for mortals
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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