I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
