Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
