Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I think pants incapable of making pants work
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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