I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
