I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
