Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
