Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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