i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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