apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
