I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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