just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
