Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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