Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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