we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
