I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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