uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
