hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
