I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So many bounce houses so little time
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
