plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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