Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
