Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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