First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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