do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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