i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
