I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
