I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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