his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
